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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.