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Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.

Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.